We must play our lives like soldiers in the field

[venta]

Yesterday, I got into a Bad Joke Contest.

A Bad Joke Contest is a bad thing to get into with Bernard, because he knows very many bad jokes. Fortunately, so do I.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I wrap myself in cling film instead of wearing clothes.
Doctor: Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

Unfortunately, a lot of them seemed to be the same ones. I'm sure I used to know millions of Doctor, Doctor jokes, but they mostly seem to have deserted me. Even more annoyingly, I knew some of the ones he told, but had forgotten the punch line. (The billiard ball joke was one I clearly remembered from junior school, but had to be told "Go to the end of the cue".)

Accordingly, I solicit your best (or worst) Doctor, Doctor joke. Just the one... and no sending me links to pages with a thousand and one of them.

My favourite remains one Ian Hislop told on HIGNFY some years ago:

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Well, I'm sorry, but we don't have any beds.

Comments

[blackmetalbaz.livejournal.com]

Not a joke, but you have managed to get 'Bad Case Of Loving You' by Robert Palmer going through my head now.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Good lord, I am sorry.

[drdoug.livejournal.com]

- Doctor, doctor, are you sure this cream will clear up my spots?
- I don't want to make any rash promises.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep feeling an uncontrollable urge to cover myself in a thin layer of gold.
- I think you may have a gilt complex.

My favourites are the Doctor jokes from Viz from years ago, especially a sequence of two.

First cartoon shows a man in the doctor's consulting room, telling the doctor, "Doctor, doctor, I've got a pain in my chest." Right next to the man is a picture of a chest of drawers saying "Ouch!".

Second cartoon shows the same man in the same room, with a different piece of furniture. This time he's saying, "Doctor, doctor, I've got a pain in my Welsh dresser." and the doctor has his head in his hands.

[addedentry.livejournal.com]

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me.
Stomach: No you haven't!

[undyingking.livejournal.com]

My current favourite (which I only heard last year or so) goes:

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a moth!
Doctor: You don't want me then, you should be seeing a psychiatrist.
Patient: I know, I was just on my way there, but your light was on...

Well done!!!!1

[ringbark.livejournal.com]

That one is the first new doctor doctor joke I've heard in years.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doc: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Since I was a puppy.
Doc: I see. Well, just climb up here on the couch.
Patient: But I'm not allowed on the couch.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I'm suffering from a complete loss of voice.
Doc: Good morning, sir. How can I help you?

Doc: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doc: Well, you've got it again.

Initial consultations - $50
Repeat consultations - $20
Patient: Well, doc, here I am again.
Doc examines patient.
Doc: I recommend you continue with the treatment I recommended last time.

I'm really sorry for all this lot.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Indeed, that was the only one Bernard told last night which I'd never heard before, I think.

[maviscruet.livejournal.com]

Doctor Doctor my wifes gone to the west indies...
Jamacia?
No she went of her own accord.

[undyingking.livejournal.com]

Is that really a Doctor, doctor joke?

I think they're supposed to contain some hint of medical inquiry... otherwise you could have "Doctor, doctor, what's brown and sticky?", "Doctor, doctor, why does Edward Woodward have so many 'w's in his name?", etc...

[maviscruet.livejournal.com]

It was told to me as a Dr Dr Joke..... but your right. It's not very Doctor based.

[ringbark.livejournal.com]

Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'w's in his name?
Shouldn't that be "so many 'd's"?
Because the punchline always used to be ewar-woowar, which seems much sillier than edard-oodard.
Hmmm. Maybe only a *bit* sillier.

[undyingking.livejournal.com]

Heh, you're quite right -- bang goes my stand-up career!

[bateleur.livejournal.com]

which seems much sillier than edard-oodard

Although I think this would be a fine one to go for immediately after everyone's recovered their breath from the Ewar Woowar joke !

[zotz]

Or, indeed,

"Jamaica?"

"Yes, we forced her onto the plane with a cattleprod.

or even

"Jakarta?"

[broadmeadow.livejournal.com]

I rather liked - and I'm sure this must be from Tim Vine[*] - the variation:

I say I say I say, my wife's gone to the West Indies
Jamaica?
No, Barbados.

[*] If you like dreadful puns and you don't know Tim Vine I suggest you search him out.

[undyingking.livejournal.com]

Bah, he must have unconsciously nicked that from me -- although my version is:

My wife's gone to South Africa.
Johannesburg?
No, Cape Town.

[maviscruet.livejournal.com]

This fits into the scheme of "anti jokes" - things that were jokes but have become so well known that the reversing the punchline to something normal is funny.

Customer to Chinese waiter - This chicken is rubbery...
Waiter - I'm terrribly sorry - I'll get you another one.

What do you call a guy with a spade in his head?
An ambulance.

[ringbark.livejournal.com]

My mother used to tell anti-jokes, but she didn't mean to.

Mum: Did you hear about the Irishman who called his leopard Spot?

Mum: Interviewer to Stevie Wonder: Can you think of anything that would have been worse than being born deaf and dumb?
Uncle: Don't be soft, Marjorie, he's a singer.

[venta.livejournal.com]

My next door neighbour used to tell accidental anti-jokes when were very little, too. He always had a joke and a punchline, but matched them up a bit haphazardly.

I didn't get the "what goes up the chimney down, but not down the chimney up" joke for years. But mostly because he'd told me the answer was "an old man".

Actually, I don't think I ever did positively identify the joke whose punchline was "an old man".

[undyingking.livejournal.com]

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: An old man.

(Possibly.)

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

For instance, on YouTube.

It's lame, but it always made me laugh...

[j4.livejournal.com]

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing pink spots before my eyes!
Doctor: Have you ever seen a doctor before?
Patient: No, only pink spots.

[venta.livejournal.com]

You don't need to tell me, I knew :) But you can make sure everyone knows you know, and you can get a kudo, and all that kind of thing.

[drdoug.livejournal.com]

Oh, and the classic so-not-funny-they're-funny ones:

- Doctor, doctor, I've broken my bones in three places.
- Well don't go there again then.

- Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I go like this.
- Well don't do that then.

[mr-flay.livejournal.com]

I have heard a conflation of the Doctor joke and the blonde joke (apologies to the hundreds of highly intelligent blondes out there).

A Blonde goes to the doctor: "Doctor, I must have broken every bone in my body - everywhere hurts!"
The Doctor is dubious, so she demonstrates: she pokes herself in the arm, and squeaks with pain. She pokes herself in the head, and squeaks with pain. She pokes her tummy, her leg, her foot, and each time she is clearly in pain and distress.
The doctor puts his head in his hands and says wearily: "I see what the problem is. You've broken your finger."

[waistcoatmark.livejournal.com]

Patient: Doctor, doctor I have trouble pronouncing F's and TH's [1]
Doctor: Well you can't say "Fairer than that".

[1] just skip over the issue of how ones says that sentence while suffering from his affliction