We must play our lives like soldiers in the field

[venta]

Yesterday, I got into a Bad Joke Contest.

A Bad Joke Contest is a bad thing to get into with Bernard, because he knows very many bad jokes. Fortunately, so do I.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I wrap myself in cling film instead of wearing clothes.
Doctor: Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

Unfortunately, a lot of them seemed to be the same ones. I'm sure I used to know millions of Doctor, Doctor jokes, but they mostly seem to have deserted me. Even more annoyingly, I knew some of the ones he told, but had forgotten the punch line. (The billiard ball joke was one I clearly remembered from junior school, but had to be told "Go to the end of the cue".)

Accordingly, I solicit your best (or worst) Doctor, Doctor joke. Just the one... and no sending me links to pages with a thousand and one of them.

My favourite remains one Ian Hislop told on HIGNFY some years ago:

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Well, I'm sorry, but we don't have any beds.

Comments

[maviscruet.livejournal.com]

This fits into the scheme of "anti jokes" - things that were jokes but have become so well known that the reversing the punchline to something normal is funny.

Customer to Chinese waiter - This chicken is rubbery...
Waiter - I'm terrribly sorry - I'll get you another one.

What do you call a guy with a spade in his head?
An ambulance.

[ringbark.livejournal.com]

My mother used to tell anti-jokes, but she didn't mean to.

Mum: Did you hear about the Irishman who called his leopard Spot?

Mum: Interviewer to Stevie Wonder: Can you think of anything that would have been worse than being born deaf and dumb?
Uncle: Don't be soft, Marjorie, he's a singer.

[venta.livejournal.com]

My next door neighbour used to tell accidental anti-jokes when were very little, too. He always had a joke and a punchline, but matched them up a bit haphazardly.

I didn't get the "what goes up the chimney down, but not down the chimney up" joke for years. But mostly because he'd told me the answer was "an old man".

Actually, I don't think I ever did positively identify the joke whose punchline was "an old man".

[undyingking.livejournal.com]

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: An old man.

(Possibly.)