You'll never get to heaven in an old Ford car

[venta]

Following a brief conversation in my office about whether or not you could get to heaven in a biscuit tin, I have to ask....

[Poll #1853005]

Comments

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

I still remember, all these years later, the impossibility of getting to heaven in a Playtex bra.

[venta.livejournal.com]

'Cos a Playtex bra won't stretch that far!

[valkyriekaren.livejournal.com]

It was a Girl Guide's bra in the version I knew.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Actually, now I think of it: I wonder how much regional variation there is in the "proper" verses. By which I mean the ones that came up time and again rather than being made up on the spot to be topical.

Offhand, I think I remember that one couldn't get to heaven in an old Ford car, a biscuit tin (both for two reasons), a Playtex bra, a jumbo jet, a limousine, on roller skates, or with a bottle of gin. I'm sure there must be others, though.

If anyone wants to suggest others, I'm curious to know the verses people know offhand (rather than ones they found by googling).

[pseudomonas.livejournal.com]

A tin of beans!

[taimatsu]

I knew that as 'baked bean tin' so that it rhymed with 's'got baked beans in'.

[pseudomonas.livejournal.com]

You'll never get to heaven in a tin of beans / 'cos the Lord don't know what Heinz Beanz meanz.

[cleanskies.livejournal.com]

same. And for us, definitely a playtex bra

[ceb.livejournal.com]

On a boy scout's knee!

[phlebas.livejournal.com]

Or a Girl Guide's knee!

[taimatsu]

"If you get to heaven. (...) before I do (...),
Just dig a hole (...) and pull me through (...)."

Also it was 'Girl Guide's bra' for us.

[venta.livejournal.com]

"If I get there, before you do,
I'll dig a hole, and spit on you!"

We always finished with those two verses :)

There was also beginning-verse, which was something like "There are three things, I must not do, I must not smoke, or spit or chew" but I think we rarely bothered with that one.

[valkyriekaren.livejournal.com]

Powder and paint (coz powder and paint make you what you ain't).

[tigerfort.livejournal.com]

You'll never get to heaven on a Beeline bus...
but I can't remember why not, unfortunately.

[ringbark.livejournal.com]

powder and paint

[exspelunca.livejournal.com]

With a fat Girl Guide/Cos the pearly gates/Aren't made that wide.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... we definitely couldn't get to heaven with something because "the pearly gates are not that wide", but I can't think what it was.

[marjory.livejournal.com]

On a boy scout's knee.

'Cos a boy scout's knee's too wobbly.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Oh! I'd guessed when someone mentioned knees above that it would be too knobbly...

[phlebas.livejournal.com]

Certainly a girl guide's knee was knobberly.

[leathellin.livejournal.com]

The moral judgements are fascinating :-)

[bateleur.livejournal.com]

Come for the bra reviews, stay for the moral judgements?

[sea-of-flame.livejournal.com]

None of the above responses are particularly familiar, but I did learn:

I'm a little hunk of tin,
Nobody knows what shape I'm in[1]
I've got four wheels & a running board
I'm no Chevrolet & I'm no Ford [2]
Honk Honk, Rattle Rattle Rattle Crash Be-Beep
Honk Honk, Rattle Rattle Rattle Crash Be-Beep
Honk Honk! [3]

[1] A little paradoxical give the immediate physical description that follows ;)
[2] T'internet tells me this should be "I'm no Chevy, I'm a Ford" - I may be misremembering, or it may be regional variation
[3] Forfeits/you're out for anyone who continues the third iteration with a 'Ratt...' - if I remember correctly, it gets repeated with increasing number of silent words, a la Heads Shoulders Knees & Toes ;)

[satyrica.livejournal.com]

but I heard it for the first time a few weeks ago!