Up and down the City Road, in and out The Eagle

[venta]

First, let me define soemthing: by popping round to see someone, I mean dropping by and knocking on their door without having formerly arranged to do so, and without having phoned ahead to check they're in and available.

Last year, j4 and addedentry moved into a house a few doors away from the one I was living in. "Pop round and see us", they said. Righty-oh, I said.

And I intended to. But when I was next in possession of a free evening, I found myself in the grip of crippling social anxiety: what if I went round, but they were busy, or had friends round, or were just planning a nice quiet evening in by themselves ?

Now, the obvious answer to any of the above is that they would probably have politely said this, and I would have trundled the 17 seconds or so home again. And despite my rational brain being well aware of this, I couldn't quite persuade myself that it was really true. I had lost my ability to pop :(

(Incidentally, my apologies to J4 and AddedEntry - the crippling social anxiety is in no way a function of their good selves, they are merely convenient examples :)

When I was a student, I would frequently wander round to someone else's house - and people frequently wandered round to mine. At some point - in my life, at least - this just tailed off. I know that this may in part be due to my pernicious habit of being out a lot; I remember people complaining that there was no point popping round to visit, as I was never in.

However, I think it's a wider phenomenon. Many people just don't pop. Many people, perhaps, don't live within convenient popping distance of friends any more - I realise I'm unusually lucky having three households I could visit within walking distance, despite living in London. Possibly four, actually, if I had more of an idea where frax and cardinalsin dwell.

I wonder that - being older - we just have more complicated lives. You can largely assume that a student won't be doing anything very important (they're students, for goodness' sake). They're likely to be at home. They'll probably the glad of the company. As a side note, a colleague informs me that popping incidence increases with the arrival of a baby; although a new parent is doing something important, they're also quite likely to be at home, and quite likely to be glad of another sentient being to talk to.

So... do you pop ? Would you like to, and do you live sufficiently close to people for it to be possible ? Would you be surprised if someone arrived on your doorstep unannounced ? Pleased ? Would you be comfortable telling them to go away if you were busy ?

Comments

[valkyriekaren.livejournal.com]

No, I don't pop. Shamefully, I know a couple who live just the next street along from me (their back yard practically backs onto mine) and despite saying every time we meet that I should pop in one evening, I never do. (I should mention that them popping to mine doesn't really work as my flat is way too small for that.)

I definitely used to do it at university. There were certain rooms that were social hubs - simont's in particular - and people would just pop in and out all the time.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Assuming the couple with the neighbouring backyard are people you'd like to see - why don't you pop round ? Have you also lost the knack, or does the idea of going out unscheduledly after a day's work just not appeal ?

[reddragdiva]

In Australia, back in the days before intarweb and mobile phones (when they cost actual money and were only owned by businesses who needed them, and wankers), I would pop around a bit.

[shrydar.livejournal.com]

Ooh, hello another-australian. Most of my friends got mobile phones about a year after I moved to the UK; I remember the preceding wanker era well.

Rewinding most of a decade, back when I started uni (and got my driver's licence) I lived the wrong end of a 20 minute freeway run from most of my friends; socialising was dropping into the guild building and seeing who was around. Then a few years after that I moved to the UK, and mostly made friends with people who didn't live in Newcastle upon Tyne - so I've never really been in the habit.

I did feel a little awkward about *not* visiting everyone I knew in London whenever I caught the train down.

And now I've got some acquaintances a few km down the road I've sometimes thought of knocking on the door when cycling past it, but never quite got around to it.

[stegzy.livejournal.com]

Ooooh I thought it was just me and my anxieties!

Before I became involved with soon-to-be-ex-Mrs-Gnomepants I would frequently "pop round" to my mate houses and say hello. They too would "pop round" on their way home from town (mostly to eat kebabs in my conveniently located adjacent to a kebab shop flat. It was a really good way of socialising.

Then in about 1998-99, I moved in with soon-to-be-ex-Mrs-Gnomepants and it all changed. People stopped "popping round", we stopped "popping round". It was very odd. At first I thought it was distance as I was living a little further away. Then I thought it was down to mates not liking soon-to-be-ex-Mrs-Gnomepants. But then my own insecurities grew and I thought it was because they didn't like me. What ever the reason my friends grew apart and I now entertain the "Let's book an appointment for you to come and visit" tactic.

Sadly...most of the time people say they're too busy on the days I suggest. So I've given up trying....perhaps it is me after all ;-)

[skorpionuk.livejournal.com]

I've never been a popper, not even at uni! Not sure why, it generally doesn't occur to me as an option. I'm not even a phoner, I use the truly long-distance and easily-ignored-if-busy text option.

I would be very, very surprised if someone popped by unannounced, and nobody near me does this. Generally, I wouldn't be ready for visitors, either, but would probably be too polite to send them away while wondering all the while what the hell they wanted.

I realise this makes me an anti-social grumpypants :-)

[venta.livejournal.com]

I dunno - despite the fact that I miss poppage and would encourage it, I suspect I'd have a similar reaction to people just showing up on the doorstep. Because people don't usually do it, if/when they do it's quite freaky!

Last time it happened to me it was in fact J4 and AddedEntry, as mentioned above, who'd got bored waiting for me to pop round and came round themselves instead. We drank coffee and nosily peered at each other's houses (comparing the ways our very-similar-originally houses had been extended and converted), and it was all rather nice.

[serpentstar.livejournal.com]

I don't pop a lot. I'm more likely to pop if I'm out of town & passing near someone I know.

Once you pop, you can't stop

[addedentry.livejournal.com]

I hadn't popped for a long time simply from living too far from friends to make it possible. When I lived in London, I was lucky to have a relative and a good friend each fifteen minutes away, and that's too long to take a chance.

You're right in one sense that all you'd have lost was twice 17 seconds if we hadn't been in; but would you also have mentally prepared yourself for half an hour of company? That's one reason I seldom telephone people on spec, as I either have half an hour of conversation, or one minute followed by a suddenly spare half an hour.

Anyway, I'm glad we popped in to see you before you left - and if you remember, you were in the bath...

Re: Once you pop, you can't stop

[venta.livejournal.com]

I don't think I mentally prepare myself for conversations (which lack of forethought may explain why I sometimes sound like a dribbling idiot) so hadn't thought of it like that.

I was in the bath, and you didn't appear offended when I declined company, and came back on a different day. So the strategy does work, it just requires people to be (a) brave enough to visit and (b) brave enough to say 'no' if visitors aren't welcome just then:)

[bateleur.livejournal.com]

Would you be surprised if someone arrived on your doorstep unannounced?

Yep.

Pleased?

Yes if I was free. Sort of not otherwise, unless they lived very close (which currently nobody I know does).

Would you be comfortable telling them to go away if you were busy?

Not entirely, but I nonetheless would tell them to go away if it was just a casual social call since I'm almost always busy.

Indeed, I also do the telephone equivalent of this. "Hi, you up for <whatever> today?" some friendly person asks. Sorry... what?! You mean today this month? A little more forward planning is required!

[bopeepsheep.livejournal.com]

I don't, mostly because I am home in the daytime and very few people within comfortable 'popping' distance are - and the two I can think of immediately who would be home are both studying, post-grad. While I'm sure they'd be perfectly hospitable I'd be encroaching on time they need, and I'd be very aware of that. There are also a couple of people who work from home within a similar radius, come to think of it, but again, I'd be too aware of distracting them from stuff they should be doing.

So I call or email or - actually - just stay home and talk to people on the internet instead.

[undyingking.livejournal.com]

I occasionally pop and am popped by near neighbours, but we don't really have many friends close enough. I think it only works if they've come a short enough distance that you don't feel it would be rude to tell them 'no'.

And I suppose that politeness-distance has contracted since we were students and thought nothing of traipsing across town on a wild goose chase.

If someone pops me during the day, I generally am working, so it's always a bit of an unwelcome interruption. Although forgiveable if they have something interesting / important to convey!

[nalsa.livejournal.com]

None of my friends live close by. If I'm in the same area as them for a different reason I might phone and see if it's convenient to pop in, but the only other house in my grid square I've been in is next door, when they went on holiday and wanted someone to do the curtains.

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

I would totally pop, if only said popping involved less than an hour round trip...

[venta.livejournal.com]

Feeble! jezzidue used to pop when he lived in Luxembourg!

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

It has never occurred to me to do this. If I want to talk to somebody I see if they are online, or send them a text message to see if they are available. If I am bored I do something on my enormous and solitary to-do list and do not even think of talking to people as a leisure activity. I think this is one of the ways my social rules are different from the rest of the world's, like how other people email their friends just for a chat. I wouldn't mind people popping round to see me (ha ha as if that happens when my friends are 100 miles away) but it just never comes up on the list of options when I think to myself, what should I do now?

[venta.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I wonder, I wonder: perhaps there is a slight age-gap at issue here (I'm slightly hazy about how old you are, but I think you're a bit younger than me - I'm currently 33).

When I was at university, virtually no one I knew had a mobile phone, so texting was out. Relatively few people had landlines in their university rooms. In the early days at university, a lot of people hadn't really bothered with getting email accounts - and even those who did have them had to go to university computer rooms and queue to pick up their mail. Quite literally the most sensible way of getting hold of someone to organise socialising was to go to visit - and while you're there, you might as well stop for a cup of tea if they weren't busy. If they weren't there, you left a note on the piece of paper they would have left stuck on the outside of their door (do students even bother with this now? I guess it's totally redundant...)

I guess by the time I left university mobiles were becoming fairly common, as were ethernet connections to student rooms, or dial-up at home for normal people, so the way of student life I knew might not be familiar to anyone even just a few years younger.

[glittertigger]

I used to pop in on people all the time at university. In more recent years, while I lived in my flat, I would pop in on markbanang as he lived on the same staircase and he would do the same. These days it is mostly just i_ludicrous I pop in on unannounced as he always seems to welcome guests (or to do a good impression!), with everyone else I call first.

[ulfilias.livejournal.com]

Hmmm....Did it more at Uni as everyone i knew was in the same town and they were close and stuff.

Always liked having visitors and i'm rarely too busy to stop and say hi etc. Wished more people would pop in on me to be honest....hence the posting of film night and the like....encourage them in !

Alas most people don't live that close these days and i tend to use the mobile before popping.

[lnr]

I rarely pop. Living out of town we'd practically never expect people to pop round and see us, either, given it's an hour plus by bike, nearly as much by car and more by a long way by bus.

[cardinalsin.livejournal.com]

I don't understand why you've excluded situations where you ring to check they're in. I always ring ahead, even if only five minutes beforehand. I guess I might not bother if I had friends within, say, a one-minute walk; but anything longer than that and I want to be confident they'll be there. In fact, even when I was in college I usually rang ahead (on internal phones!), unless I was just trawling rooms for company, in which case I'd be almost guaranteed to eventually find someone.

I guess this means I don't pop?

[venta.livejournal.com]

I don't have a very good reason for excluding that case - it just seems slightly different to me, and part of my question was to do with how you do (or would) deal with people showing up unexpectedly.

I guess ringing five minutes ahead is also something I never do - I rarely arrange to visit/meet up with someone on spec, so if I'm ringing it's more likely to be to say "do you want to do X next Sunday?" rather than "are you visitable?"

[d-floorlandmine.livejournal.com]

I used to pop at uni, and we also received popping folk at Kettle House, but moving away from most of my friends cut down on poppingness. These days, I'm busy most evenings - either in or out. I suppose that if I was in, and not busy with something, and it was someone I enjoyed spending time with, then I would be quite happy to have a visitor (assuming they didn't mind my not having any milk for tea most of the time).

I have had people turn up unexpectedly, but that was mostly either because of a crisis or because they were mad (diagnosed as such).

I do live fairly close to some people I know, but not quite walking distance.

[marjory.livejournal.com]

In Germany, we lived uphill from our two best friends and in the next building from another. This made popping easy, especially to ours as we were the ones who were functional enough to have things like coffee and milk to compliment fine German pastries.

Currently we live absolutely nowhere en route to anywhere else and the people we know are functional enough to find coffee and milk before they could dream of getting to us and Oscar Wilde at his best caught at home would barely be worth the journey to ours. Our neighbours do not even pop round.

I miss it. Even at the risk of being caught in my sexiest jim-jams with an aura of squatter camp in my domicile, I miss it! Contrariwise, popping in on others is practically anathema to me...

[killalla]

I used to do this a bit as a student, but switched to being a call five minutes ahead type person as time went on, seeing it as being more polite to give people an I'm busy/in the bath/etc. option once mobiles made this an easy thing to do.

Interestingly, I started doing the unannounced pop again in Addis, as I had VSO neighbors who lived across the street, and phoning became more complicated due to higher relative cost and occasional network outage. Now that I'm back in England, I'll probably switch back to being a call or text in advance person.

[sea-of-flame.livejournal.com]

On somehing of a tangent - have been reading up on Regency manners, including the etiquette of making calls, recently - and am loving this retrospective on the modern version!

[venta.livejournal.com]

That's the trouble with just popping round these days - there's just nowhere to leave one's card!

[phlebas.livejournal.com]

I have been meaning to pop round to my neighbour's for a cup of tea for a year or more.

[ebee.livejournal.com]

I pop and I totaaaaally approve of a popping guest..please do so and I'll pop with you to Frax. I would never just be polite at a popper- I would actively welcome it. All welcome...POP ppl!

[cuthbertcross.livejournal.com]

I used to Pop all the time.

Don't now much except with a few neighbours-and even then I often text
first as it seems politer.

Totally agree that it's a phone related thing-no mobiles in my student days and v little email too.