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Well, if the Metro can have a regular feature based on what some bloke saw on the telly last night, I don't see why I can't join in...

One of the many allegations thrown at Ashley Cole today is that he sent a model "explicit sex text pictures". Much as I love the idea of a footballer sitting around painstakingly hand-crafting ASCII porn to send to his extra-marital encounters, I fear that may not have been what they meant.

In an unrelated news item, we are warned that a form of malware known as a rootkit could turn "your iPhone into a spy-phone". Apparently such malware could "turn on tracking GPS, send confidential datta or even drain the battery without the owner's knowledge". Oh noes! Not only might it broadcast personal data everywhere, worse it might drain the battery!

Also, a question: can you still call a child-carer a nanny if it's a bloke? The front page teaser for the rather unpleasant story about the child crushed by falling lamppost in Chiswick describes him as being pushed in a pram by "his nanny". The story then refers to "a male carer" in charge of the child being uninjured.

I'm not criticising the Metro for that one, I'm just curious.