When it's time to party we will party hard

[venta]

More dispatches from the kitchen...

For fortieth birthday party B last week I'd agreed to make a trifle. It was to be a Proper Trifle, with strawberries, red jelly, custard and cream.

I don't make trifle as a rule, so I examined the internet for instructions. Trouble is, I didn't want an innovative trifle. I didn't want a new twist. I wanted a Proper Trifle.

A friend of mine reckons that one day he is going to begin marketing the JAF range of toiletries. It is to appeal to those who stand in bewilderment in front of 427 different kinds of toothbrush, thinking "I want Just A Fucking toothbrush".

Well, I wanted Just A Fucking trifle. Sadly, the BBC recipe network is above such language. Eventually, I realised that BBC-speak for JAF is "classic".

The birthday boy eats kosher (well, kosher-ish, in that he'll eat my cooking but would like me not to put pigs in it). So that meant a trip to the local organic-and-hippy-compliant food shop to get vegetarian jelly.

A timely text message from friends J&J asking for a bed overnight also reminded me that they were coming. And they're both no-dairy people.

Um. Trifle. Classic trifle. Without dairy. Right.

Now, I could make non-dairy sponge and non-dairy custard, but when I went to get jelly the free-range-quinoa-smoothie shop offered to sell me both. The cake was banana loaf - no problem, it can be strawberry and banana trifle. If you ever find yourself thinking "what can I use for dairy-free whipped cream?" then it is the considered opinion of both my dairy-free friends and me that you should probably be thinking that you don't really need the whipped cream. In general, all the alternatives are unsuccessful, unpleasant, or both.

So: cake, fruit, jelly. Leave to set. And here's where I made two mistakes. I pureed some bananas, stirred them through hot Alpro soya custard, and added then as my next trifle layer. Do not do this.

1. Once you've heated soya custard up, it doesn't set again on cooling. It was almost-set when it came out of the carton, so either dollop it straight on or  make your own. (Regular Bird's Eye custard powder plus soya milk is fine, I've done that before.)

2. If you stir banana into any kind of custard, your custard will slowly turn an unappealing brown in a few hours. I really should have seen that coming, and gone for a layer of banana under the custard.

The rather sloshy and unset trifle was topped with more strawberries and drizzled with melted dark chocolate. The cream went along in a bowl - a semi-detached trifle - so those who wanted could add it. J&J reported that (despite the brown) it was tasty, and very exciting to meet dairy-free trifle.

On Saturday - after the cheese-making but before birthday party A - I ambled up to my local shopping street to buy a side of salmon. I'd promised, in addition to trifle, to furnish party B with a poached side of salmon.

It turns out the fish monger closes early afternoon (I usually shop in the morning, so didn't know this). Bother. To Morrisons! Their packaged section didn't have any big bits of salmon. Despite amazingly helpful and informative service on Morrisons butchery counter the other day, the guy on the wet fish counter was laconic, vague and unhelpful.

To Tesco! They had some whole (giant!) salmon on their fish counter, but both mongers were already mongering and there was quite a queue. We were running low on time to get to party A, and Tesco were selling pre-packed half sides at half price.

You can hide a lot with a cucumber garnish, I said, and bought two half sides. If you ever do this, make sure you buy pieces that will have the thicker part on the same side when you put them end to end. I didn't think of that.

I know you can poach salmon in foil in the oven. I just didn't know how long to cook it for. The internet suggested anywhere between 15 mins and an hour and a half, at anywhere between gas 1 and gas 6. Right.

So, layer sliced lemon and dill on a piece of foil big enough to completely envelop your salmon. It'll need to be turkey foil - regular kitchen foil is nowhere near big enough. Lay your salmon on top, and then some more lemon, more dill, and a small glass of vermouth. Or, if we're dead honest, a random slosh of vermouth.

Dot with butter, no wait, J&J are still coming, brush with olive oil. Parcel up, put in oven.

If the piece of foil you cut turns out to be two inches too short, scrunch it up as best you can and it'll be fine (ask me how I know this).

My fish came out beautifully cooked; what's annoying is I can't remember what temperature I went for :( I know I checked it after half an hour, and popped it back in for another ten minutes. I think I went for about 150c.

Very, very carefully, with your two biggest, flattest spatulas, lift the salmon onto a plate. Now put another plate on top and flip over, spraying lemon goo wherever. You now have upside-down salmon. Peel off the skin. Flip over again and transfer very, very carefully to serving plate. Repeat. Garnish liberally/hide any dodgy bits with thinly sliced cucumber and lemon wedges.

I was worried that if I left the salmon to cool in situ it would begin to stick to the foil/lemon and become hard to detach. However, it's much less fall-y apart-y when cold so that might still be a better bet if you have the time.

The salmon went gratifyingly speedily at party B, so definitely one to do again.

Comments

[sushidog.livejournal.com]

I have never tested the theory, but I'm told that if you wrap your salmon and put it on the top rack of a dishwasher, it will cook perfectly in the time it takes to run a hot wash cycle (but don't use any detergent).
This is no help at all if you don't have a dishwasher.

[zotz]

I've seen it done on the TV, but obviously this is unsatisfying on several levels - I wasn't there and can't say for sure that's what they did or how it turned out, it isn't vegetarian so I wouldn't have touched it, and I didn't actually like salmon before I was vegetarian so my opinion would be worthless anyway. I'll just shut up now, shall I?

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I briefly considered that. But given that the dishwasher would have to run empty, it didn't seem that much more efficient than just putting the oven on for a bit!

Also, running a dishwasher empty is harmless (or even beneficial) to some dishwashers, and fatal to others. I destroyed the dishwasher in my last rented place by trying to clean it! I don't know which kind I live with now.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Me, obviously.