You help yourself to tea and make nothing for me

[venta]

A couple of years ago, at a comedy gig, Stewart Lee burst onto the stage, thrust a microphone at me, and demanded "What's your favourite high-street coffee shop?"

My immediate response was that I didn't have one. I don't. If I'm out and fancy a sit down and a drink, I'll probably go to a pub. And if I want a hot drink I'd always sooner go to an independent cafe than to one of the big chains. Yes, it's more of a gamble going into an unknown shop. But it's so much more interesting than placing the Starbucks order you could place anywhere in the world.

However, the other problem is this: the Starbucks and the Costas and the Caffee Neros of this world pride themselves on their coffee. The quality of their coffee, the roasts of the beans, the loving care with which they froth milk, and the pretty patterns they put on the top. Sitting down for a coffee is an experience, a little bit of quality time. It's a nice thing to do.

I like coffee. Sadly, coffee doesn't like me. If I drink it I get jittery, stomach-achey and nasueous. I used to drink coffee all the time, but at some point at university a switch in my guts flipped. No coffee for me. And not too much tea either - but a mug or two will be fine. So if I walk into a Starbucks or a Costa or a Caffe Nero, I order tea. Which is a shame, because I really like coffee.

And actually? They don't make great tea. Dump bag in cup, throw in coffee-temperature water, help yourself to milk. And not even so much as a chocolate-sprinkles heart shape on the top (thankfully). It doesn't have the crafsmanship that they seem to throw into coffee. No one ever advertises that they do great tea. No one cares that much (which is ironic, in England). Even if they've made me a tolerable cup of tea, there's always the thought: I could make better tea than this at home.

If I went home and made my own tea it'd be nicer, and it'd be cheaper. It wouldn't come in a ridiculously fancy teapigs cloth bag, it'd be Ringtons' Northumbrian, and that's just how I like it. I might even break out the looseleaf, the fat black teapot, and the lurid cosy my parents' nextdoor neighbour knitted for it.

So no, I don't hang out much in coffee shops[*].

Last year I turned up at a friend's house, and she offered me a coffee. She has one of these tiny pod-munching Nespresso machines, and takes her coffee seriously. I declined, reminding her it made me go all peculiar. She pointed out that at 7 months pregnant she was no longer drinking rocket fuel either, did I want decaf?

Now. I've never drunk coffee for the caffeine. I used to think that - working late at night as a student - coffee woke me up. After some experimentation, I discovered it was the act of getting up and making it that woke me up. Coffee worked, tea worked even better (because it involved a walk to the fridge for milk). Frankly, hot milk worked fine for waking me up.

But everyone knows decaf is horrible, right? Well known thing about decaf.

However, Cathy served me a posh decaf espresso in a silly little cup. And it was lovely. It tasted like coffee. I honestly wouldn't have known it was decaf. It was just like drinking an espresso and I didn't feel crap for the rest of the day. Win!

Then last week, I observed snow_leopard ordering a decaf coffee in a coffee shop, and I thought hey! I could possibly do that. So on Friday, I did. I was not at work, and was heading across London to hop on a train to my parents' house.

I popped into the Electric Coffee Company (né Cafe Freddo) on Haven Green, and I ordered a decaf latte. I felt a bit silly, because decaf is for wimps and health-freaks, but the nice chap behind the counter didn't seem to notice.

And they brought me my latte, and it looked, smelled and tasted just like a real one. And it had a twiddly little milk fern shape on the top. It was, quite clearly, better than any form of latte I could make for myself at home. And I drank it, and thoroughly enjoyed my latte-consumption experience.

I wonder if I'm ready and willing to come out as a decaf drinker :)


[*] In Caffe Nero[**] last week with Snow_Leopard I ordered the twice-the-price-of-regular-hot-chocolate "Chocolate Milano", and it was actually pretty good. I was impressed. But it was practically a pudding.

[**] Which was almost empty, while the interesting-looking independent establishment four doors down was rammed. Which also made me happy.

Comments

[eniel]

I always get confused when I offer to go out for coffee and someone answers "but I don't drink coffee". See, to me, "going out for coffee" means "going to a café", ie "hanging out in an independant joint where we might order coffee, or tea, or a cold drink, and spending an hour catching up". Coffee, most of the time, doesn't really figure in the equation. ^^
That said... yay for enjoying coffee smell and taste without jittery nauseous feelings.

[metame.livejournal.com]

I think Eddie Izzard covered pretty well what "a cup of coffee" offer means, even in the specialist case of the President of Burundi... ;)

And yay for the subject line Living Room - was listening to some Frazier Chorus just last week. I find myself drawn back to them quite regularly even after al these years.

[bopeepsheep.livejournal.com]

Or Brassed Off:
-Would you like to come in for coffee?
-I don't drink coffee...
-...I haven't got any. [hoick]

[venta.livejournal.com]

Oh, one kudo to you, sir. I encountered Frazier Chorus some years ago (courtesy of broadmeadow) and have never run across them in any other context.

[broadmeadow.livejournal.com]

I think we have a mutual friend who was quite a fan!

[venta.livejournal.com]

Yup, I think it was tpr suggested it for one of your compilations, but you lent me the album (or possibly shovelled me a bunch of mp3s, I can't remember).

[kauket.livejournal.com]

Note to self, bring Eddie Izzard dvd compilation on holiday.

Head suddenly fills up with disparate Eddie Izzard quotes.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Yes, even given everything I said above, I wouldn't say "I don't drink coffee" as a reason not to "go out for coffee", unless you were inviting someone to a place which did literally sell only coffee.

Mind you, I'm not sure of the last time someone invited me out for a coffee... much more likely to join someone for a beer for my hour of catching up!

[shermarama]

I'd probably answer 'I don't drink coffee' because it's shorter than 'I don't drink coffee, because even the amounts of caffeine in decaf are detectably too much for me, and I don't like black tea, and even green tea tends to make me a bit hyper and are they at all likely to have rooibos? Or it will it have to be some herbal mix that tastes like hot pink water? Also I don't drink soft drinks generally because sugar rush and I dislike everything about paying for water to be transported around in bottles in a country where the tap water is perfectly drinkable'... but I might also therefore say 'how about a pint instead?'

[eniel]

*nods* Yes, a lot of the confusion I think comes from the distinction here between "coffee" places and "pint/alcoholic beverage" places, whereas when I was in France, the café would serve you whatever you ordered most of the time. So "going out for coffee" became shorthand for "going out for a drink" in my mind :)
That said, hot pink water is evil.

[shermarama]

*grins* Yup, I'm in the Netherlands these days, where the distinction between alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks is much hazier, so these things are easier to navigate. Complete with a much better and larger range of alcohol-free beers, even. (Rooibos also much more available too.)

[motodraconis.livejournal.com]

One of the few nice things about Liverpool was the wonderful Tea shop - not tea as in tea and scones, but tea as in proper artisan, made with love, speciality teas to drink maybe with a cake if you really wanted. I used to go there all the time and it was lovely. I rather wish there were more of these tea shops on the high street, and that the concept would take off, as I loathe high street coffee shops.

Sadly, in googling to give a link to their shop I discovered that they closed down last year, though they still stock online.

Sob!

I too get ill from too much caffeine, but unlike you, I dislike the taste of coffee, and only drink it in emergencies to wake up, so decaff is doubly useless to me.

[snow-leopard.livejournal.com]

Posted the below just before I read the other comments! Glad to see other people miss Brew as well.

[motodraconis.livejournal.com]

I even have photographic proof of the awesomeness of the (late) Brew.



Mate Energy Drink Tea: slightly acrid, not quite vile but won't buy again!
Scousers Breakfast Tea: slightly smokey taste, but a nice smokey not like Lapsang Ashtray.



Valentine Tea Latte.

Sob! No more!

[venta.livejournal.com]

Does serving tea in a cafetiere really work? How do you take the tea out when it's reached your desired strength? (Or were they strictly one-cup cafetieres?)

[motodraconis.livejournal.com]

I think they were one-cuppas, so you poured it out when it was as strong as you wanted. Part of the fun and ritual is to see the colour of the brew infusing into the water, and the various bits floating. Makes it look a bit more special and actively "leafy" than just a plain old bag.

And no where-to-put the teabag trauma!

[venta.livejournal.com]

There is a shop on Dering Street in central London which sells teas - they're not really a cafe, but I think they will sell you a cup of tea if you're in there buying things. It was there that I first learned that green tea isn't actually nasty - in fact, if you make it right, it's bloody marvellous.

[snow-leopard.livejournal.com]

There used to be a TEA shop in Liverpool called Brew. Like an independent coffee shop but they sold and specialised in tea. Amazing varieties of teas and cake, lovely delicious gooey cakes. It was fabulous! We would go everytime we were even vaguely in the area and bemoan the fact they didn't have anything like it in Manchester.
They closed down to focus selling their tea bags to restaurants and hotel chains.
It was a sad sad day as the world needs more places like Brew.

FYI my drink of choice in coffee shops tends to be a chai tea latte, but Cafe Nero makes lousy Chai lattes. I like decaf coffee but am always wary because I have often been just given the caffeinated coffee anyway (I assume the barista thinks I won't notice the different, but my IBS certainly does).

[venta.livejournal.com]

I think the only time I've ever been to a tea shop like that was actually in New York... even when a cafe in the UK offers more of a choice than "tea" and serves it in a teapot, it's still not usually what I'd call an artisan experience.

Also, not entirely relatedly, why on earth do cafes which serve you tea involving a teabag (or an infuser) never give you a place to dump the teabag when you're infused enough? It seems rude to dump it on the table if you've not got a saucer :)

[pseudomonas.livejournal.com]

I want to know this too. It's even worse on trains, where you have no bins with some operators, and nothing to do other than try and squeeze the bag dry-ish and wrap it in a paper napkin and hope that it doesn't drip all over the place.

[venta.livejournal.com]

Ah! I find it less of a problem in that situation - I am incapable of drinking tea through one of those silly plastic lids without burning my mouth, so will have taken it off, flipped it upside down, and dumped the tea bag on that :)

[pseudomonas.livejournal.com]

But those always have holes in them!

[venta.livejournal.com]

They do, but they also have the bit that actually fits over the cup - upside down that acts pretty well as a gutter and keeps any drips away from the holes :)

[pseudomonas.livejournal.com]

I agree, they are definitely better than nothing.

[bopeepsheep.livejournal.com]

I like coffee. I even drink it sometimes. But I cannot find a single commercial version that I like - there's a tendency for burnt-tasting brews in many of the big chains, they all sell it in such stupidly vast quantities that I can't reasonably add enough sugar and milk to get it how I like it if it's not an espresso, and it's just not worth the bother 9 times out of 10. I don't drink black or green tea at all, and am not in the habit of drinking herbal/fruit tea in public anywhere except the noodle bar.

So I buy hot chocolate when I "go for coffee".

[undyingking.livejournal.com]

Mm, me too. Baffling that people presumably like that burnt taste.

[ar-gemlad.livejournal.com]

Yes - this. I like filter coffee, and an americano just isn't the same. You don't get the mellow and fruity flavours of the coffee in a steam-pressure doohickey.

[fractalgeek.livejournal.com]

If decaf works for you, and you like it, drink it

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

I completely support and celebrate your decision to drink decaf if you want to, but nevertheless I get the impression that you wish to be mocked in a friendly way for it.

BOO! HISS! SHAME!

[venta.livejournal.com]

Ta :)

[lathany.livejournal.com]

I make both caf and decaf coffee at home (filter machine). I'm almost never in a coffee shop, but next time I'll order decaf and think of you!