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ventaRelatively recently at Didcot Station they got one of those automated piece-together-the-sentence-from-recorded-words announcement systems. It speaks in that bizarre part flat, part slightly surprised monotone of its kind.
The following exchange took place about 10 o'clock, to a background of A-Ha's "Take On Me", which was playing loudly in the station staff's office.
<Human on Loudspeaker>: Don't pay any attention to the indicator boards, they say the 22:16 is arriving on platform 1. It isn't, it's arriving on platform 2 as usual.
<Machine>: Your attention please, this is a platform alteration. The 22:16 service to Exeter St Davids will now be arriving on platform 1.
<Human>: No it isn't, ignore that. Platform 2.
<Machine>: Your attention please, this is a platform alteration. The 22:16 service to Exeter St Davids will now be arriving on platform 1.
<Human>: That machine doesn't know what it's on about. Ignore it.
<Machine>: Your attention please, this is a platform alteration. The 22:33 service to London Paddington will now be arriving on platform 2.
<Human>: Yeah, you can believe that one.
"You see what we're up against" said the human as he poked his head round the office door.
As I said, the human announcer system has only relatively recently been superceded in Didcot.This is a shame, as it means we no longer get late night gems such as
"Welcome to Didcot, don't mind the gap, there isn't one"
or
"The train now arriving at platform 3 is the... oh, why am I bothering, there's nobody here listening anyway".
Now, a recorded announcement on a phone system, to say something like "You have dialled an incorrect number", seems like a sensible thing. But I miss the human announcers on stations.
This evening, because the people in the waiting room were laughing at the announcements, they ended up chatting to each other; this never normally happens among the few lonely souls waiting for that train.
When you're stuck on a freezing platform waiting for a delayed train, an announcement with a human edge to it, which might even sound genuinely apologetic, is far more welcome than the automatically repeated "We are sorry to announce...".
A few months ago I was on a delayed tube train. It was rush hour, the train was inexplicably stationary, people's tempers were fraying. The announcement came:
"Ladies and gents, sorry for the delay, but there's problems futher along. We'll have to wait here for a bit, or there'll be more trains than there is platform at Edgware Road"
Not exactly first-class comedy, but enough to make the hardened London commuters smile, and it lightened the atmosphere in a way a recorded apology wouldn't have done.
There's also an important pyschological difference, one I've seen in action a few times. You're on a train which is delayed, or worse, mysteriously stopped, and all around people are muttering that the service is dreadul. The staff should do better. The trains should never have been privatised. Then an announcement crackles out of the tinpot speakers:
"I'm really sorry, I don't know why we're stopped here either. As soon as I know anything more, I'll tell you".
And, all of a sudden, the train announcer is with Us, not Them. The staff on your train are on your side against the evil Them who delay your trains out of sheer malice. OK, so you maybe still complain and ask for compensation, but at least the hapless train staff don't get so much grief from grumpy passengers.
Computers and machines are good. They make life easier in many ways. But they are no substitute for people.
The following exchange took place about 10 o'clock, to a background of A-Ha's "Take On Me", which was playing loudly in the station staff's office.
<Human on Loudspeaker>: Don't pay any attention to the indicator boards, they say the 22:16 is arriving on platform 1. It isn't, it's arriving on platform 2 as usual.
<Machine>: Your attention please, this is a platform alteration. The 22:16 service to Exeter St Davids will now be arriving on platform 1.
<Human>: No it isn't, ignore that. Platform 2.
<Machine>: Your attention please, this is a platform alteration. The 22:16 service to Exeter St Davids will now be arriving on platform 1.
<Human>: That machine doesn't know what it's on about. Ignore it.
<Machine>: Your attention please, this is a platform alteration. The 22:33 service to London Paddington will now be arriving on platform 2.
<Human>: Yeah, you can believe that one.
"You see what we're up against" said the human as he poked his head round the office door.
As I said, the human announcer system has only relatively recently been superceded in Didcot.This is a shame, as it means we no longer get late night gems such as
"Welcome to Didcot, don't mind the gap, there isn't one"
or
"The train now arriving at platform 3 is the... oh, why am I bothering, there's nobody here listening anyway".
Now, a recorded announcement on a phone system, to say something like "You have dialled an incorrect number", seems like a sensible thing. But I miss the human announcers on stations.
This evening, because the people in the waiting room were laughing at the announcements, they ended up chatting to each other; this never normally happens among the few lonely souls waiting for that train.
When you're stuck on a freezing platform waiting for a delayed train, an announcement with a human edge to it, which might even sound genuinely apologetic, is far more welcome than the automatically repeated "We are sorry to announce...".
A few months ago I was on a delayed tube train. It was rush hour, the train was inexplicably stationary, people's tempers were fraying. The announcement came:
"Ladies and gents, sorry for the delay, but there's problems futher along. We'll have to wait here for a bit, or there'll be more trains than there is platform at Edgware Road"
Not exactly first-class comedy, but enough to make the hardened London commuters smile, and it lightened the atmosphere in a way a recorded apology wouldn't have done.
There's also an important pyschological difference, one I've seen in action a few times. You're on a train which is delayed, or worse, mysteriously stopped, and all around people are muttering that the service is dreadul. The staff should do better. The trains should never have been privatised. Then an announcement crackles out of the tinpot speakers:
"I'm really sorry, I don't know why we're stopped here either. As soon as I know anything more, I'll tell you".
And, all of a sudden, the train announcer is with Us, not Them. The staff on your train are on your side against the evil Them who delay your trains out of sheer malice. OK, so you maybe still complain and ask for compensation, but at least the hapless train staff don't get so much grief from grumpy passengers.
Computers and machines are good. They make life easier in many ways. But they are no substitute for people.
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I've seen a couple of purported lists of tube announcements on the past, but never those and never any from Didcot railway station. The thing about Didcot is that there's probably exactly one employee with a sense of humour, but exactly one is all it takes...