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All I Want for Christmas is Helen Love and Tallulah Gosh

Wed, 24 Dec 2025 23:04:28 GMT

Aye up.

My visits to write LJ entries seem these days to be occasional, in every sense. But it's Christmas, and I know a couple of you look for me at Christmas, so here we are.

To cover the important traditional points: I'm at my parents' house, we've got the fire in, I've snuggled up the pigs in blankets, Dad and I have pints of beer. More to the point, it is proper brown beer that tastes brown, which is vanishingly hard to find these days. Rockin' Rudolph made by - of all people - Greene King. Who'd have thought it?

Today, we had a delightfully throwback experience: lift tree in from garden*, adorn tree with fairy lights, plug in fairy lights...

Nowt.

( Not a sausage. )

Also, as usual: I've written some Christmas puzzles. If you'd like them, drop me a line.

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Where do jamjars go at Christmastime?

Tue, 24 Dec 2024 23:53:35 GMT

Um, hi. If you're here, you might know I've not been around much this year. Life has been getting in the way quite spectacularly, some of it good, some of it bad. I even managed to go to Glastonbury this year, but failed to write it up here (something future-me is going to be quite cross about).

But, you know, traditions is traditions. I am:
(a) at my parents' house
(b) in front of a real fire
(c) not with a pint of beer, because there was the end of a bottle of red wine that needed tidying up.

I have, of course, blanketed all the pigs for tomorrow's dinner. Mind you, the streaky bacon my mum had bought was the thickest thick-cut streaky bacon I have ever seen. And we have full-size pork sausages instead of chipolatas. So these are the most hench pigs in blankets you can imagine.

( Christmas Eve )

( Non-Christmassy General Update )

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Suddenly it's Christmas, right after Hallowe'en

Sun, 24 Dec 2023 23:14:07 GMT

Well, here we all are again, then.

Just about.

I think it's fair to say that this year [*] has not quite gone to plan. I mean, we're nowhere near 2020 levels of off-the-rails, but it's all been a bit disorganised.

( Seasonal Shambles )

[*] OK, so I was about to say "we've put the decorations up, we've got the fire in, but my Dad has not yet offered me a pint". Which is basically an outrage, excepting the fact that we've only just finished the bottle of wine from dinner. Anyway, I'd got the laptop out and got as far as the asterisk when Dad bestirred from under his newspaper and proffered a beer.

I've now got a nice pint of Boondoggle, and Dad's got an Evil Elf and, due to a mild and unspecified mishap, the kitchen rug has had a pint of Two Hoots.

Cheers all around.

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It was like everything I had ever lost had come back

Sun, 26 Nov 2023 10:22:01 GMT

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? Every so often I genuinely intend to get back to posting regularly (because my memory no longer works desperately well, and I appreciate old entries here telling me what I did). But then... life gets in the way, and so on.

Plus how do I catch up? I think the answer is: I don't. Let's just dive in. It's not like I have any major news, anyway. Still alive, still in Ealing, still programming for a job, still living with ChrisC. Still foisting fiction on the world, https://www.elizabethguilt.com for details (I use a pen-name because my real surname is hard).

( Allo Darlin )

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It's cliched to be cynical at Christmas

Sun, 25 Dec 2022 00:00:22 GMT

Aye up, gang. It's Christmas.

Which has rather snuck up on me this year. I mean, I understand calendars. I knew it was December. I had a shopping trip planned with a friend. Various pre-Christmas things were organised.

Then the niggling-kinda-cold I had turned out (on Dec 12th) to be Covid. I wasn't especially ill - nasty cough, but otherwise nothing really worth mentioning - but felt that I ought to confine myself to barracks until I tested negative again. And I cancelled my shopping trip and a bunch of other plans, and I missed my work Christmas party. And it sort of took out a week or so and now here we are.

The harbingers of Christmas have had to shuffle into line pretty quickly. However, we've made it up to my parents' house, there are some presents, they're wrapped, Dad and I have had a couple of pints, and we've got the fire in. The tree is decorated (although admittedly one of the things it is decorated with is a banana, because my Dad handed me it while I was reaching for a bauble, apparently in the mistaken belief I would somehow crack and put it back in the fruitbowl. Honestly, it's like he's never met me). I've made up the pigs in blankets, and we've listened to some carols, and even managed to scrounge some offcuts of holly from the garden centre on the way into town.

We watched The Boy, The Mole, The Horse and The Fox on the BBC, and it was just delightful. Messages are bouncing back and forth on various WhatsApp groups (one of which has just deployed the phrase "roastness per unit potato"). I've read up to the Christmas Eve section of The Dark is Rising (I haven't yet tried out the BBC radio drama, but BeckyA tells me it's good).

Everything feels, on the surface, like it's back to normal.

It kind of is. For me.

I'm also very aware that for a disproportionate number of my family and friends, recent months have sucked in a horrible variety of ways. Bad news has been rolling in with alarming frequency, mostly where there is very little I can do to help. My nice, cosy Christmas feels a bit too much like bragging.

But for those of you who find tradition comforting: we're still here, and we're still doing it. I hope you're doing things that make you happy. Stay warm, stay safe, be merry.

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Sock it to me wild honey

Wed, 19 Jan 2022 09:46:41 GMT

Having bought virtually no clothes in the past two years (it's not really like I've been anywhere), I splashed[*] out on some new running gear. Including - as an experiment - a pair of fancy anti-chafe runners' socks.

So now I have discovered the concept of having my socks on the wrong feet :(

[*] I mean, I only went to Decathlon. And I bought one long-sleeved top, one pair of running tights, and one pair of socks. So it wasn't a very big splash. More of a ripple.

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It's cliched to be cynical at Christmas

Fri, 24 Dec 2021 22:44:21 GMT

Hey. It's been a while. But it's Christmas, which is a time for traditions. So here we are.

Last year, there was a brief hiatus in the annual visitation to my family home. This year we're back for a Completely Normal Christmas. Definitely Normal. ChrisC and I have piled up the motorway[*], singing along to the Christmas compilation albums he made, and to the festive quick-fire found from Pappy's. We've collected the order from the butcher and I've made up the pigs in blankets and the stuffing for tomorrow; we've put the tree and the decorations up; we've got a fire going. Things are in their usual places. Dad and I have a pint each.

All sounding normal, no?

Sadly, some unexpected companions accompanied us this year. One is a sort of scientific angel, which sits on my shoulder. It says things like "you've been very careful in the run up to Christmas" and "you're doing daily lateral flow tests", and "all your relatives, however elderly and unwell, are extremely vaccinated (as are you)".

On the other shoulder, sits Little Devil Doubt. Little Devil Doubt likes to keep reminding me that I've come from London, where infection rates are currently through the roof. And that many of my friends who are also sensible, careful people have contracted Covid just the same. "Are you sure," it says, "that that little sniffle you have is just because you helped ChrisC's parents move a load of dusty boxes out of storage? Are you sure it's just an allergy? Do you maybe have a slight sore throat, too? You're still sneezing. You've been into shops this week. Can you trust lateral flow tests? Isn't your throat feeling a bit sore? Don't forget that Rach had Covid for a few days before she tested positive. And G caught Covid at a party where everyone had tested negative beforehand. And T had what he thought was a cold, tested negative twice, and infected three other people with Covid... Are you sure you don't have a sore throat?"

Little Devil Doubt is, of course, particularly fond of saying things like this to me in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep. I'm not a fan but, sadly, LDD appears to have a rather louder and more insistent voice than Science Angel.

It is not, to be honest, the most restful approach to Christmas. But I am well aware that many people are having much worse Christmases, for all kinds of reasons. If some 3am panic is the worst that happens to me, I will have nothing to complain about.

Of course, an un-looked for benefit of travelling to the far north is that the chemists here actually have lateral flow tests in stock. I picked some up, which means we can now test profligately instead of worrying that we might run out. And I was here to explicate the now-slightly-bureaucratic process for acquiring same to my Dad.

I've spoken to my parents' very-vulnerable neighbour on the phone, rather than popping round. I've run some errands for my also-quite-unwell uncle (including posting a card... at least... I think I posted a card... I left his house with it, and wound up back at my parents' without it... but I have absolutely zero memory of putting it in a postbox... surely I posted it...). I've bumped into random neighbours and said 'hi' (including a hilarious pelican crossing experience where three people crossed from each side, and each one stopped briefly for a chat with the person coming towards them in the opposite direction).

Tomorrow, there's going to be a certain amount of driving people around, and generally trying to make sure everyone's OK. Due to a Covid-related care-mixup, my mum will be running a carefully-edited Christmas dinner round to the aforementioned vulnerable neighbour. But tomorrow, there will also be good cheer, company, a fire and, of course, pigs in blankets. We'll be OK.

Take care everyone. I hope you're warm, and safe, and that everyone you care about is healthy. Have a good day tomorrow.

[*] Ish. Owing to shocking traffic, we came up the A1 instead of the M1, which is only (M) for some of the way.

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There will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year

Wed, 06 Jan 2021 12:03:47 GMT

Overly-long answers to an old-skool meme lifted from Huskyteer.

( 2020 Hindsight )

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I is for the icing on the cake as sweet as sugar cane

Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:29:20 GMT

Oh, I forgot. Additional...

Christmas content! I have a very short Christmas story that was published a few days ago, you can read it on the Gray Sisters website if you're interested. Be warned, though... it was written and submitted some months ago, when I didn't know that a bleak and miserable Christmas story was literally the last thing anyone would want.

I've also created a set of puzzles, after the manner of Puzzled Pint puzzles. They're intended to be mostly quite easy (someone with no Puzzled Pint experience polished them all off in the space of an afternoon, with only a couple of hints). If anyone would like them to take them for a spin, leave me a comment and I'll send you the PDF! (Or drop me a mail if you think I won't have your address - my domain is blacktreacle dot com and anything sensible will reach me.)

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It's not like all the Christmases I've had

Thu, 24 Dec 2020 18:23:00 GMT

Aye up. It's Christmas, you know the drill. I head up to my parents' housein Durham, and write a post about how we have a nice fire and lots of beer and so on.

( Well. )

I hope you're OK. Whatever you do, or don't do, for Christmas: have a good one.

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Stuck in this hole together

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 22:58:24 GMT

( Nothing to see here, just me grumbling about political takes on pandemics )

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'cause I heard it on the radio

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 22:15:57 GMT

A very brief commercial interlude:

A friend of mine has been producing pastiche mid-90s FM radio shows, on the grounds that we all want something deeply familiar, nostalgic and safe right now. He's been calling it "comfort radio".

And to me - for whom this is the perfect nostalgia window - comfort radio is exactly what it is. The music may well have been what local radio was playing in the mid-90s, but it registers with me as closer to late 80s in sound, and the tracks are mostly well-known, things-you-hear-on-the-radio, oh-is-that-what-that-is tracks. And John has a lovely, calm voice that makes the whole thing feel like a great big audio hug.

If this sounds like it might be up your alley, then do give it a listen:

https://www.mixcloud.com/johnkell/fm-nights-episode-1/

In fact, even if it doesn't, can you stream it anyway? Because I really want him to think it's worth his while to make more than two episodes :-)

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She'll burn us bad

Tue, 07 Apr 2020 21:52:35 GMT

( Headline thoughts from lockdown )

On the plus side: if nothing else, the current news cycle means at least a small section of children will instinctively understand second derivatives when they meet them in year 8 maths. (Year 8? I have no idea. I'm guessing wildly.)

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Well I told you once and I told you twice

Sun, 29 Mar 2020 22:38:54 GMT

I've been thinking that I'd quite like to keep some form of a diary of my reactions to the world at the moment, and have belatedly remembered that I have an actual online journal. Which I have been neglecting shamefully.

To ease myself back in, I shall steal a list of questions from strange_complex. Thus far I haven't really been thinking very much about when I last did things, but Strange_Complex described it as 'the meme of the moment', and who am I to disagree :-)

( The Meme of the Moment )

How are you doing? OK?

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Christmas time is here, by golly

Tue, 24 Dec 2019 23:11:49 GMT

Hey, LJ. I've been neglecting you dreadfully of late. But Christmas is a time of traditions, and so here we are.

( We must have our traditions )

But for now, Dad is fetching me a(nother) beer and all is well with the world. If you're celebrating Christmas, have a good'un.

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Sometimes you make me feel like I'm living at the edge of the world

Sat, 10 Aug 2019 18:14:40 GMT

It's July. Near the end of July, in fact. Oh no, wait, by the time I posted it: August. At the end of June it was, of course, Glastonbury.

tl;dr - very hot, no mud, singalongs are fun, there's a lot more than just bands, The Cure still rock.

Word-free version can be found on Flickr.

Wednesday

( ...and Wednesday too )

Thursday

Beans on Toast, Will Varley, Frank Turner, Elvana, Old Dirty Brasstard

( Thursday, I don't care about you )

Friday

The Vaccines, Bjorn Again, (Lewis Capaldi), The Wombats, (Fontaines DC), Bastille, Matthiel, Life, SOAK, Morcheeba, George Ezra, Billy Bragg, Tame Impala, Interpol.

( It's Friday, I'm in love )

... which is why I have no write-up for Glastonbury Saturday :-)

Sunday

Babymetal, Kylie, (Miley Cyrus), Ten Tonnes, (Miley Cyrus), Blue Aeroplanes, Vampire Weekend, Josefin Ohrn & the Liberation, The Cure

( Sunday always comes too late )

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Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey

Sat, 20 Jul 2019 22:09:22 GMT

I am not sure where my time has been going of late. One place it absolutely hasn't been going is on me reading or updating LJ. As mentioned a few times, I use this place as my online memory and means of resolving future arguments about what we did at festivals, which means I have some catching up to do.

This year, ChrisC and I ventured up to Camden for Camden Rocks - the successor to the multi-venue Camden Crawl. Yes, Camden Rocks was at the beginning of June. Yes, I am very behind with my writing up, do be quiet.

Mutant Monster, The Men Who Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing, Brand New Friend, (Albany), (Bang Bang Romeo), Projector, Sick Love, (Pet Needs), Rascalton, Desperate Journalist, Frank Turner

( Saturday )

Rews, Eliza & the Bear, Shvpes, A, Janus Stark, Toffees, St Agnes, The Last Internationale, Ash, The Wonderstuff

( Sunday )

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Whatever are you doing?

Fri, 07 Jun 2019 21:16:41 GMT

Recently, I was rummaging around my very old LJ posts to examine long-past new year resolutions. Pretty much every year in which I posted resolutions since I started writing here[*], they included something along the lines of writing more fiction, and getting something published.

Many years have involved a lot of not-doing that.

But! As of this week, I have a proper, published story out in the world. It appears in Luna Station Quarterly, which publishes "Stellar Short Fiction by Women-Identified Writers". I've actually been reading LSQ for some time, and I rate their fiction pretty highly. Accordingly, I am absolutely over the moon that they elected to publish a story of mine.

I've always read e-book issues of LSQ up until now. This quarter I've splashed out and got the p-book, which is altogether more professional, glamorous and real-looking than I could possibly have imagined. I am ridiculously over-excited about it.

If you wish for a copy, Amazon or Weightless Books can provide. Or you can read the whole thing online for no money here. Or you can read my story in particular, should you want to. It's fairly gentle sci-fi, and the save-your-stuff-offline app on my phone estimates it to be an 11-minute read.

(Note for the easily confused who know me IRL: I am using a pseudonym. This is because my actual surname is quite ridiculously hard to spell.)

As part of the publication process, the magazine wanted a bio from me, and a photo, and they have sent me some hard questions for an interview (to be published later in the month). I am feeling terribly important about the whole thing. I might almost be able to call myself a writer :-)

[*] OK, "here" is technically Dreamwidth these days. I don't really draw much of a distinction in my head!

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My teddy bear is short and fat, which is not to be wondered at

Sun, 12 May 2019 11:56:08 GMT

Hullo, internet. I have a question.

Has anyone ever owned/lived with/significantly interacted with an ottoman bed? By which I mean a bed where the whole mattress part lifts up to reveal storage space underneath. They look like this, and are currently being referred to in our household as "crocodile beds".

We are considering getting one, as they look like a good way to get maxium under-bed storage. I'm guessing we'd want to use it for long-term, rarely-accessed storage rather than (for example) spare bedding which one would want to get at regularly. But are they one of those things that looks like a good idea, but turn out to be a pain in the arse? Do the hydraulic mechanisms break after a couple of years, leaving you with the job of manually hauling a mattress about?

Any advice, commentary, or idle anecdotes about crocodiles welcome.

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Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day

Fri, 03 May 2019 19:50:35 GMT

The other day I went to work wearing black skinny jeans and a black polo neck. I don't actually wear skinny jeans for preference, but the Gods of Fashion say that that is what there is for girls at the moment. On which note: bloody hell, where I can buy decent women's black combats this summer? That is decent combats, by the way, I'm not especially bothered about the moral status of the women. Apparently women don't want pockets this season.

But anyway. I went to work wearing black jeans and a black polo neck. My company's CEO wanted to know why I was dressed as a ninja. When I turned up for rapper practice later that day, someone wanted to know why I was dressed as a mime artist.

Worse, it was the second time in 48 hours I'd been accused of looking like a mime. Admittedly the first one was, I believe, due to some particularly stupid dance moves Elaine and I were pulling to the outro of 99 Luftballons at the 80s night in Whitby.

But really, since when is black jeans and polo neck commentworthy? Since when was me wearing all black commentworthy :)

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And what costume shall the poor girl wear

Thu, 02 May 2019 23:03:51 GMT

Aye up. It's festival season already...

( Wales Goes Pop! )

( Tomorrow's Ghosts )

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Lovers watch their backs

Sat, 16 Mar 2019 09:31:27 GMT

The other day, someone accused me of being a millennial. I wasn't even eating avocado toast at the time.

I'm not a millennial, I'm the tail-end fo Generation X. And pleased about that in a way that is mildly ridiculous, given that the year I was born in wasn't exactly under my control.

So what prompted someone - who both knows my age, and is a clear decade my junior - to call me a millennial?

( What? )

And apparently that makes me a millennial.

I do like avocado toast, though.

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I smell winter on his breath

Wed, 16 Jan 2019 22:07:32 GMT

Hello, everyone who's been popping up to write start-of-year posts.

I haven't actually got my thoughts about 2018 or 2019 into order yet (I am confused on many topics), so instead I shall write about gigs for a change.

January is always the Winter Sprinter, which means four gigs in four evenings, three of which are followed by getting up for work. I do like to start January knackered.

If you don't like gig write ups, the tl;dr version is:

- small gigs are fun, try them out at a pub some time
- if you want a musical experience like no other (in a good way), then you should either go and see Deerful or Haiku Salut

( Day 1: Suggested Friends, Peaness, Whoa Melodic )

( Day 2: Flowers, Firestations, Deerful )

( Day 3: Joss Cope, Gwenifer Raymond, Haiku Salut )

( Day 4: Mikey Collins, The Catenary Wires, Withered Hand )

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All I want for Christmas is Helen Love and Tallulah Gosh

Mon, 24 Dec 2018 20:29:32 GMT

Evening, DW/LJ. I've not been around here much of late; work has been eating my life somewhat and apparently writing (and, to a large extent, reading) blogs has been one of the things that went by the board.

But I'm home for Christmas, and one of the traditions of Christmas Eve is a post, so here I am doing it.

( This year... )

I hope, wherever you are, you're having a peaceful and happy one.

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I've got a pocketful of Kryptonite

Thu, 16 Aug 2018 08:18:25 GMT

"What do we want? Functional pockets. When do we want it? NOW, but really like several centuries ago."

A rather cute article: https://pudding.cool/2018/08/pockets/

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